Life Lesson #1 - Embrace The Struggle

Dec 29, 2024

Photos that gather dust on hard drives. Decades of thank you notes tucked away in a box. Revisiting cherished memories is rarely top of mind. Yet there they are, the memories and moments. The life I have lived. Twenty photographs went into frames, with several hundred more landing in a photo album. I need those reminders of the story thus far written.

It's easy to forget.

As I wade through cards and images from decades past, I get a glimpse of myself. A warm breeze of sentiment stirs. Chapters of my life, seen in a new light.

In the corporate world, I was the rogue business sage. In the ad game, the rebel brand builder. Shattering the status quo was my modus operandi. University? Not a single class. Business as usual? Hard pass! Vanilla has never been my friend.

On the flip side, I spent fifteen years doing amateur projects in film, improv, and theater. The performing arts set me free. In doing the work, my voice took hold. As is often the case, I found my bliss in the Badlands. Pushing the boundaries of conventional theater and film was liberating. Transcendent. Meaningful.

I can be playful as a puppy, then serious as a heart attack. My soul food is the human experience. Dreams chased. Challenges embraced. I’m generous to a fault, but have a visceral edge.

The Yin with the Yang.
It’s always a juggling act.

Dig deeper, and you'll find an aspiring beach bum. White sand. Ocean breezes. The rhythmic sounds of crashing waves. Toss in some Bob Marley, and I’m in heaven! No noise. Nothing to prove. Just life.

My accomplishments, and the experiences I hold close, are beyond my wildest childhood dreams. I’ve also hit rock bottom more times than I can count. But that's the rodeo. That's the price we pay to get to the good stuff. The moments we put in photo albums, and the thank you notes we store in boxes.

The words etched in this series are born from a lifetime of beating impossible odds. It’s knowledge passed down the old-fashioned way, through stories and lessons learned. Pain endured. Tools gathered while navigating life. I offer these words as a flawed, imperfect being. May they serve you well! We walk on common ground.

Trauma cuts to the marrow. The longer the trauma endures, the deeper the cuts. Unfortunately, my suffering started at birth and lasted twenty-plus years. Where have the memories of my youth gone? You never fully shake the loss of your wonder years. Beneath my skin, tattooed on bone, the wounds of old.

Childhood was survival.
Innocence was a weakness.

I had an 85% chance of ending up dead or in jail by age thirty. That was the expert opinion of one therapist. Another predicted a life spent picking up the pieces. I was a broken toy with little hope of repair. The odds are not in your favor! The experts felt I deserved the truth. As the great philosopher Han Solo once said, "Never tell me the odds!” I guess I have smuggler's blood in my veins. Life has been hard. PTSD plants deep roots! But life has also been joyous. Enchanting.

Titles do not equal expertise.
Advice does not equal wisdom.

Why are you so outspoken? You have opinions on everything! Why can't you be more pragmatic? You take too many risks! The message was clear.

Know your place.
Shut your mouth.
Go with the flow.

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Obedient and silent is not how I roll. I’m the stubborn mule that beats the odds. The Fire Within refuses to settle for anything less. The Japanese have a word for that fire, Kuyashii, using the doubt of others as motivation to succeed. Chef Niki Nakayama spoke of it on the hit Netflix show, Chef's Table.

To live is to suffer. There is no way around this simple truth. The strain can paralyze the best of us. How to grab your breath when life knocks you down? How to find relief from the grief? Sharing our story creates community. Asking for help lightens the load. Less ego. More surrender. Such is the path we all walk.

Everyone faces trauma. Everyone faces despair. No one escapes. But rather than speak up, we remain silent. That’s the tendency. It’s learned behavior. Society wants to keep us on the happy train. Always. How to heal in silence? It’s just not possible. Blasting past the broken bits ignores the wounds that need a voice. Hit the brakes! Sit in sacred silence with the person in the mirror. What bubbles up to the surface?

Speak your truth.
Dare to be seen.

Many types of people will find treasure in this four-part series. Some identify as creative minds, while others do not. That's ok! Independent thinking frees you from the abyss known as autopilot. Get curious! Take informed risks. Who knows? You might surprise yourself. Explore uncharted territory. Blaze your own trail.

Despite the trauma, impossible odds, and people who lacked imagination, I rose from the ashes. Society did not see or encourage my potential, yet, there it was, hard at work. Success is not fitting into a box that never rocks the boat.

Light the fuse.
Blow up the box!

Finding our voice is not done in response to our trauma but despite it. We embrace candor and chart our own course to own who we are as human beings. Take pride in your independence. Honor your distinct point of view. Listen to the path you have yet to walk! Find True North. Do the work. Embrace the struggle.

The problem is not the suffering that comes with life, but our response to that suffering. A lot rides on how we react to the many challenges of life. It's a critical concept for creative minds because we take more risks. With risk comes failure. How to stay the course? To steady our resolve, we must embrace our humanity. Think less. Feel more.

The trials of life either give you an excuse to stay stuck or kindling to thrive, to be fully alive, no matter the odds. Will you feed the darkness, or will you feed the light? When standing at a crossroads, you have to pick a path. Which path will you choose?

The challenges of the moment do not determine your fate. Fight for the things you have yet to discover! More will be revealed. Choose to believe in things conceived, born of your heart and mind. The way forward is not always clear, but it’s there, waiting for your footsteps.

In the final moments of life, what do people regret? It’s not popularity, success, wealth, or fame. Guess what self-help books tend to focus on? The four things people don’t regret! Are we betting on the wrong horse?

Our emotions, especially the intense ones, are a problem. That’s what we’re taught. Walk away! To embrace the struggle is to embrace the emotions that come with that struggle. Autopilot keeps us stuck. It’s how we disappear from the world, even from ourselves. Weathering the storm is hard, but weather the storm, we must. It helps to know we’re not alone. Everyone gets lost. Everyone makes mistakes. Let the world know you exist.

BROKENNESS

Transitioning from my traumatic past into adulthood was a brutal process. Daily life was fraught with tidal waves of anxiety. The world felt dangerous. Malls. Blind dates. Blowups of any kind. I melted down, flooded by the complexities of adulting. It was all too much as I opened the door to my early twenties.

The shame was immense.
Why am I so broken?

My solution was bartending school, followed by working at a high-volume bar. How’s everyone doing tonight? Cue the smolder! Shots, anyone? I was teaching myself to swim in the deep end without even realizing it. A decade later, I started doing paid speaking gigs.

The line from paralyzing anxiety to public speaking was not a straight one. There was much to learn with plenty of setbacks. Trust me! It was harsh. But I did learn and eventually found my footing. Finding our way is an awkward undertaking. I’m drowning in embarrassment! It’s great to be alive! Such are the highs and lows of living and growing. How else to come into our own?

While severe anxiety may not be something you battle, the whole point of this section is crystal clear. Go to bartending school! Ok, so that’s totally not the point. Everybody is broken. We all fight internal battles. Human beings are messy by nature. And, imperfection has no cure.

The things we face, we embrace.
The things we ignore, we store.
Empty the shelves.

Not long ago, I was watching Oprah in a series she did on mental health. There was this tender moment when her voice changed from Oprah, the media mogul, to Oprah, the young, traumatized girl. Tears welled up. Her voice cracked. We know Oprah’s tender tears all too well. We have shed the same tears. The least we can do is give them a voice.

Expressing sorrow empowers us.
Hiding sorrow enslaves us.

Are you starting to see a pattern? When stuck in a closet, kick down the door! The blades that once cut you do not define you. At some point, you need to claim your power, or the potential of tomorrow never happens. When the wounds run deep, owning your power can feel unachievable.

Walk with purpose.
Persist with passion.

Numbing out. Overcompensating. Neither makes for good medicine. Why hide? Why lie? Why deny your truth? Be you, fully revealed. Here the frack I am, world! Buckle up! Transparency is empowering. Reach for the stars while dancing with your demons. It’s a two-step worth learning. Messy is sexy. Messy is its own kind of beautiful.

NOISE

HBO Max put out a six-part series called 100 Foot Wave featuring Garrett and Nicole McNamara. It stirred up memories of my teenage youth. I remember sitting on my surfboard, the sun coming up or down, spotting wave sets. I loved that aspect of surfing. It felt spiritual. In the name of full disclosure, I was a horrible surfer! My one consolation prize is the scar on my big toe from a nasty wipeout. Bragging rights, Yo!

Sitting on the back of the Pacific Ocean, the world felt much bigger than my childhood woes. The swell of Mother Nature rising and falling, and me, this tiny spec, along for the ride. I was Her guest. That was never in doubt. It was comforting. Soothing.

Serenity gets lost in the noise.
Remove the noise.

In watching the HBO special, I realized the lesson. My wetsuit, surfboard, and surfing technique (which did not exist) were of no consequence. Are you here with me, Bobby Ford? Are you fully present? Those were the questions Mother Nature posed as I floated on Her spine or surrendered to the might of Her whitewash. Life, with its many challenges, requires us to show up.

Writing on the topic of struggling makes me think about Anthony Bourdain. I suspect he had a hard time removing the noise. Eventually, it became too much. I don’t judge Tony for taking his own life, but I miss his edgy presence. He always had a way of humanizing our world. On so many levels, Tony was an unapologetic black sheep rebel. My kind of dude! To walk our path exacts a toll. But when is the price too high? What to do when the darkness never fades?

You are more than a label.
There is nothing to prove.
Raise the white flag.

Throughout my early thirties, daily life felt like an endless tornado, with me spinning about in the eye of the storm. I loved the thrill. I hated the price tag. What’s the meaning of life? More fun! More sex! It’s three in the morning. Let’s drive to Las Vegas! Why not? Ain’t life grand! Ah, yes, the barnstorming days of my impulsive twenties and thirties. Ok, maybe even into my forties! Recovery groups helped me pick up the pieces whenever I crashed.

While 12 Step fellowships have their flaws (like anything in life), I have yet to experience a more pure form of love. Hugs are plentiful. Feelings are shared without edits, often with a strong dose of humor. Judgment rarely gets in the way. Interestingly, recovery asks the same core questions as Mother Nature. Are you here with me, Bobby Ford? Are you fully present?

Less bullshit.
More truth.
Remove the noise.

In surrender, we find our limits. Our willpower can only take us so far. It’s a tough pill to swallow. We rather like the highs that come from blasting our way through the cosmos! Or, perhaps, the safety of silence. Numbing out. Being invisible. Are you drowning? Is it time to wave the white flag? If so, please, ask for help.

Apologizing for your struggles is apologizing for being a human being. My bad! I’m sorry for taking up space! Your trials, all the blood soaked heartache that spills out, verify the sacred nature of your existence. The tricky part is to not let those emotions run amok. Have you ever driven when angry? It’s a lovely day for a car crash! Let’s avoid that scenario.

DBT, a hybrid of Buddhism and cognitive therapy, teaches a skill called Wise Mind. It’s a worthy addition to your toolkit. Google the term “Wise Mind Worksheet.” Find a version you like, and print a few copies. What has been kicking your butt as of late? You don’t need to write much, just enough to clarify the struggle. Work the challenge through the Wise Mind Worksheet you downloaded, which should include Emotional, Reasonable, and Wise Mind sections.

Honestly, there’s nothing like a proper ugly cry. Snot flying everywhere! People ducking for cover. Intensely expressing our emotions can be cathartic. Is it wise to make big decisions during such meltdowns? Probably, not. The Wise Mind Worksheet provides clarity.

Reduce your speed.
Bring calm to the storm.

Life, for all its beauty and wonder, is a struggle. How we react to those struggles determines everything. The trials of life either give you an excuse to stay stuck or kindling to thrive, to be fully alive, no matter the odds.

The struggles I highlighted were a mere glimpse of the obstacles that get in the way. Childhood trauma plays a pivotal role in my narrative. Your tale is your own, as are the battles you face. It all gets a bit wonky, doesn’t it? Life. Work. Relationships. I’ve never been fond of toxic positivity because it sells a cliche. A Hollywood version of existence that does not allow for the messy side of human existence.

The most consequential article in this series may be the one you’re navigating right now. Ignoring the wounds of old leaves emotional artifacts. The things we ignore, we store. Dealing with our shit is not easy. At times, it seems impossible. No matter, stick with the work. It’s vital work.

When contrasting the trauma of my youth with the joy-filled moments of my story, I’m brought to tears. On paper, I didn’t stand a chance. What to do? To hell with the odds! We are what we choose to become in this life. The road is yours to travel.

Big hugs & much respect,
Bobby Ford

PS: Links to all four essays can be found at the bottom of this post.

_________________________________________________________

IF THIS ESSAY SPOKE TO YOU, PLEASE SHARE

Your likes, comments, and especially sharing this post are the ultimate thank you notes. I rely upon readers and pod listeners like you to spread the word.

___________________________________________________________

Aloha! I’m Bobby Ford.

Beyond my work as a writer and in the arts, I also offer a 1ON1 experience that you can collapse into as a human being. A refuge we co-create and that meets you where you live — personally, creatively, and as a business.

Click HERE to access the links below:

• Your Deeply Human 1ON1 Refuge ➜ Work With Me

• My Podcast ➜ Creative Minds Like Us

• Essay Series ➜ Four Life Lessons

___________________________________________________________