Life Lesson #2 - Honor Your Humanity

Dec 29, 2024

As we heal, we grow. As we realize, we change course. The less we need to prove, the more we accomplish. Self-acceptance is found in the stunning beauty of imperfection. Human complexity is a work of art! Make peace with the person in the mirror.

Loud or quiet, kinky or vanilla, boring or bold, hot or cold, there is no correct way to be a human being. We come in every shape and size, some wild, some wise, just doing our thing. We fall on our faces and then soar, thus the endless contradictions that make life worth living.

The hard questions of existence are often the most rewarding to explore. What is the meaning of life? What was I born to do? Does any of it matter? Do I matter? When the answers come easy, the payoff is minimal.

You are enough, just as you are without the upgrades. Nothing you buy makes you more, and nothing you lack makes you less. If the cup is never satisfied, nothing fills the cup. Choose a cup that stays full.

At times I'm weak because it's hard to be strong. Then I catch my stride, my head held high. Rinse and repeat with a taste of joy with a hint of strife. Here’s what I've come to realize. We could all use a little more grace, some room, some space, as we find our way. Self-acceptance requires progress, not perfection. Wins and losses. Highs and lows. As we dance, we learn.

Dance more.
Think less.

How to accept yourself without pre-conditions, escape clauses, or awkward pauses when someone compliments you from the heart? You are legit, even if you could be more. There is always more, but for today, you’re doing just fine. Your humanity is enough.

No matter your talent, it will be hard to do your thing if your baggage is the boss. Power, money, or fame will not dull the doubt or ease the pain. Isolation, making yourself small, yet more of the same. This is not to say that everyone manifests their struggles similarly. Nor is it to say that all acting out is ruinous. Where’s the line?

Surf your rough edges.
Find your sane.

Behind door number one is the tortured soul. Behind door number two is the resilient explorer. When tortured, nothing fills the void. When resilient, our flaws and wounds inform, even elevate our existence and craft. Broken or resolute, lost or found, daily life is pregnant with potential. There are no prerequisites. We can alter our course. We can seed new soil.

Our regrets hide in a cellar of shame. Although we welded the door shut, the voices remain. How can we quiet the skeletons that go clackity-clack? How to live meaningful lives as fallible beings? The need to heal and forgive is universal. Nowhere is that more consequential than the need to heal and forgive ourselves. Am I a worthy human being? It’s a terrifying question.

Clean out the cellar.
Heal the shame.

How to feel worthy despite our mistakes and flaws? When we refuse to see our frailty from a place of empathy, our sense of worth collapses. Tormented. Not whole. Out of control. We lose our way, searching for peace where it cannot be found. We all have wounds and regrets. Whether we admit that truth is another story altogether. Walk with your wisdom. Embrace your truth.

SHARE YOUR STORY

Your accomplishments and talents are worthy of praise, but I’m not talking about that kind of story. All I can do in this series is share my experience, strength, and hope. The same with you. Healing happens when you leave your armor at the door.

Telling your story is speaking your truth. The building blocks for this kind of narrative are transparency and rigorous honesty. Who are you? Tell us about your pain, mistakes made, and the bridges you have burned. What do you regret? What have you learned? It’s all there, waiting to be told. Be brave. Be you. Fully revealed, heard, and seen. When people get a taste of your unvarnished truth and say, I get it. I get you. It’s ok! Welcome home. No longer alone, the pain and shame are out of the closet. A new day has arrived.

Penny, for your thoughts?
We hide at our own peril.

The flawless execution of a life well lived does not exist. The depth of our wounds, nor the size of our regrets, determine our fate. The damage occurs when we ignore the hurt and guilt that goes bump in the night. To oppress a human voice is to dehumanize that individual or group. Why, then, is it ok to silence ourselves? To deny our wounds and mistakes is to deny our humanity. That’s not ok! Your brokenness, insights gained, talents that rose, and the darkness you survived add texture to your life. People need your story. Your words will help them as much as they heal you. That's how it works.

Come out of the closet.
Own your truth.

I have shared the gritty details of my story many times over the years. It’s never easy, but it’s always important. I remember baring my soul to a group of fifty, tears drenching my cheeks. The applause that resulted had nothing to do with my speaking skills. Everyone in attendance had their own stories of redemption and struggle. I just happened to be the speaker that week. Finding community in our pain helps to heal our pain.

The act of confession is sacred. It is a cleansing of the soul. To be clear, I'm not talking about religious confession, although people find that helpful. Owning our toxic side and the mistakes made removes the mask that keeps us stuck. When there is nothing to hide, we stop hiding. If you've never done this kind of work, telling your story can feel like climbing Everest naked. Not fun! They're just emotions, lovely human. They're just emotions. I said it best in Life Lesson #1: Embrace The Struggle.

The things we face, we embrace.
The things we ignore, we store.
Empty the shelves.

Your narrative may not include deep wounds or a tough childhood. Your story may be less traumatic. Masks are masks! Everyone benefits from stepping out of the shadows. And who among us has not made serious mistakes? Speaking your truth is a central concept to charting your own course.

Your story bears witness to the price paid, no longer concealed. Your truth, revealed. Eyes opened wide. You move out of the shadows and into the light. It’s an enduring kind of strength. Gift your story to the world! Get free. Honor your journey. Find purpose in pain.

MAKE PEACE

Upon speaking your truth, landing on solid ground can take a minute or two. What defines you? What needs to stay, and what needs to go? Wiser, less afraid, gutsier, it’s time to make peace with the world.

Telling your story sets the stage.
Making peace claims the prize.

When the wounds of life feel like a sledgehammer to the gut, that's a problem. Numbing or acting out. Aimlessly wandering through daily existence. Not good! Time slips through our fingers. We all do it, but like a favorite dessert, too much threatens our wellbeing.

Devastating shit happens, and there is nothing we can do about that reality. It’s ironic. We are powerless over being powerless! Blaming God. Fighting the world. It's wasted energy. Believe me, I speak from experience. Moving forward requires letting go. One of the most famous prayers of all time is The Serenity Prayer, written in the 1800s by Reinhold Niebuhr. The short version commonly used by 12 Step groups teaches us how to make peace.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”

In twenty-five words, we find everything we need to make peace with ourselves. It’s all there, accepting our powerlessness, owning our power, and the need for discernment each step of the way. If God is not your jam, pop in your chosen Higher Power. It can be anything or anyone, as long as it’s not you! Why is that so important? Surrender only works when we surrender to a power greater than ourselves.

Life is not the enemy.
Make peace with life.

We all come from different backgrounds. My life experience could be radically different than your backstory. Still, I have yet to meet someone who didn’t need to make peace on some level. Everyone dances with their demons. As a reminder, we’re in this together. I’m not a guru, and I damn sure don’t have all the answers. If anyone acts as though they do, avoid them like the plague! My point is deep healing has a voice. Listen to that voice.

The doubts never entirely go away. Such is the journey, the price we pay. It's hard to believe that we have what it takes. The value the world needs. We itch for proof. The greater our insecurities, the greater our need for validation. Validate my worth, decisions, success, looks, wealth, sex appeal, food choices, and life choices! Feed me validation! Homie needs validation! An addiction such as this is insatiable. It's a battle we never win.

Step off the battlefield.
Exit the loop.

Being "good enough" is rooted in false gods whose dark magic is self-doubt. Yes, we do a lot right, but honestly, we’re falling short. We could do better. Ugh! It’s total bullshit. There is a vast difference between continually growing as a human being and the endless obligation to measure up. The need to be "good enough" for the status quo is a fool's errand.

In 2003, I crash-landed into AA. I had spent decades in the rooms with Bill’s wife but never with Bill, the program that started it all. It was important that I dress to impress. Looking back, it’s hilarious. Early in my sobriety, someone said, “My very best shit got me here.” It hit like a shotgun blast to the chest! Not long after, I stopped trying to be “good enough” for my AA tribe. Tis true. The best stories are found in real life.

I spent almost four years with Bill learning how to be a functional adult. As it turns out, I do not have the allergy that is alcoholism. I’m a generalist. Hell, I can become addicted to damn near anything! Numb at ninety will always find its way to my door, desperately trying to fuck up my life. AA kept me alive, and for that, I am truly grateful.

There is little to prove.
There is much to learn.

Will I ever get to the point where I don’t have to deal with my demons? No, that will never happen. Do those demons hold the same sway as once they did? No, thank Yoda. They've been voted off the island. The problem is the bastards refuse to leave! So they do their thing, and I do mine. Most of the time, I come out on top. As far as I’m concerned; that’s a win.

NAME YOUR VAMPIRES

Never feeling good enough on an irrational level is like being a vampire. We’re always hungry. The need to feed never ends. The unrelenting obligation to be more creates an insatiable thirst for affirmation. When nothing fills the void, our world rapidly spins out of control.

I need to be stronger, wealthier, sexier, or smarter like that one person I know. Comparison shopping never leaves you whole. Intense insecurity makes for a potent poison. I have witnessed it take down the best among us. Left to its own devices, it can make sane people do crazy ass things. It always brings out the worst in us because it taps into our deepest doubts.

Introspection breeds calm.
Avoidance breeds chaos.

Everyone struggles with insecurities, and the need for validation is normal. The problem occurs when the vampire stirs. How to tell the two apart? When our insecurities get the best of us, we lose control. Our buttons get pushed, and logic flies out the window. It’s like a panic attack on steroids. We get lost in a sea of intense reactions that manifest as toxic behavior.

While many good things have come from my forced independence, there is a downside. When my base security is threatened, I totally lose my shit. It’s a rare reaction, but it happens. The result is a rampaging vampire. Not fun! As a result, I’m ever mindful of my behavior when triggered. Keeping a few blood bags on ice is helpful. I’m joking! Slurp. What?

Awareness fuels prevention.
Numbness fuels disaster.

Define your crazy! To be clear, everyone has their version of crazy. It’s urban slang, not a mental health dig. What triggers your deepest insecurities? What happens when you irrationally lose your shit? Don't be polite. Own your inner gunk! Puke it up, but don't beat yourself up. Everyone fights these battles. The important thing is to own your stuff. That's the only way we learn from our mistakes.

KNOW YOUR VALUE

Whispers of self-doubt undermine our progress. The tendency to compensate rather than contemplate is strong. I’m not enough! I need to be more! Conclusions built on delusion. Nothing adds to nor diminishes your value. You live and learn, feel strong, yearn, feel weak, then climb. To live is to have value. No matter your mistakes, that's all it takes. Your humanity is your salvation. The highs and lows are the journey.

Earlier, I wrote of false gods whose dark magic is self-doubt. But who, exactly, are these false gods? You will find these saboteurs in the status quo, popularity contests, the toxic side of social media, trauma binds, TV commercials, social bias, peer pressure, oppression, and other insidious nooks. Silence the dark whispers! Detox from the doom scroll! Facilitate an existence that empowers your sense of self on a daily basis.

It’s your story.
Take control of the narrative.

As an aside, feeling worthy or good enough will remain elusive if you are actively destroying your life with reckless abandon. One might think this is obvious. Not so much! The antidote never works if you keep drinking poison. The solution? Stop drinking the poison! If that requires professional help, so be it. Do whatever it takes to remain on solid ground.

One insight I hear from people in multi-decade marriages is while they always love their spouse, there are times when they don’t much like their spouse. This gets to the essence of valuing oneself. While I love who I am as a human being, there are definitely times I don’t like the person in the mirror. Similar to a marriage, it’s a give-and-take process. When I make a grave mistake, it pisses me off! Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight, and I’m grateful for this tendency. It keeps me honest.

We all make mistakes, some with lifelong consequences. We all do things we wish we could take back. Our value is not a calculation of wins and losses or good deeds versus bad. Our value is our humanity. We are imperfectly perfect.

That’s it.
Keep it simple.
Mic Drop!

Big hugs & much respect,
Bobby Ford

PS: Links to all four essays can be found at the bottom of this post.

_________________________________________________________

IF THIS ESSAY SPOKE TO YOU, PLEASE SHARE

Your likes, comments, and especially sharing this post are the ultimate thank you notes. I rely upon readers and pod listeners like you to spread the word.

___________________________________________________________

Aloha! I’m Bobby Ford.

Beyond my work as a writer and in the arts, I also offer a 1ON1 experience that you can collapse into as a human being. A refuge we co-create and that meets you where you live — personally, creatively, and as a business.

Click HERE to access the links below:

• Your Deeply Human 1ON1 Refuge ➜ Work With Me

• My Podcast ➜ Creative Minds Like Us

• Essay Series ➜ Four Life Lessons

___________________________________________________________